The latest Ask Bull City Question: “I am very attracted to this guy that I met but he has a lot of secrets. I think I am falling in love but my gut tells me that he is already married. I am not sure but I have never been to his place and he doesn’t tell me a lot about his job or anything. Do you think he might be married or just not good at communication?”
So you’re feeling more than a little bit attracted, physically and emotionally, to the great looking guy you’ve been dating, even wondering if you could be in love. But do you really know him? When it has been estimated that over one-third of men in the dating scene, whether online or not, are married, it’s an important question to have answered. How can you be sure he’s not married, without paying for a background check? There are signs and hints that can help you learn the truth.
Is he already married??? Here are some signs to look for:
- Trust Your Inner Voice - Not exactly scientific or heard by others, your inner voice is your intuition or sixth-sense. You don’t know how you ‘know’ - you just do. Learning to pay attention when you sense something is not quite right may protect you from unknowingly getting involved with a married man.
- Personal Information is Vague or Withheld - It’s understandable that personal information won’t be shared in the first few dates, but once the relationship becomes more serious, learning more about each other is natural and healthy. But a married man will rarely share this kind of information, even using a fictitious name. If your date hesitates to share his home phone number, where he lives and works, you need to be cautious. Anyone who lives out of a suitcase, provides a post office box as a mailing address and explains it away with a flippant devil-may-care attitude is someone who may not be giving you the whole scoop.
- Never Invites You Home - Probably the most obvious sign that you’re date is married is that you’re never invited to his home. Roommates or clutter are the excuses often cited, or maybe his roommate is a minister, but anyone who keeps you from seeing where they live could be married.
- Schedules Dates like Clockwork - The times you can meet are so predictable that you could set your clock by them. Be wary especially if he can only see you during the week. Weekends are out of the question for a married man - that’s family time.
- Avoids Social Events - A married man will want to avoid social events. He doesn’t want to be called out on his deception. If you rarely go out socially, even to innocent places like a restaurant and have never been invited to meet his friends or family and vague excuses are given, your date may be married. A sincere, single man will be more than happy, even honored, to have his family meet you.
- Sudden Disappearances - If you’re dating someone who has to go out-of-town during the holidays or just plain disappears unexpectedly for periods of time, you need to investigate. Does he call at odd hours, hang up without notice and call back later. These signs may indicate he’s a busy family man or at least a married man.
- Behavior and Attitudes - A dating married man will be cautious in every way. He may be quiet, not participating in the conversations around him. Obviously, he may just be shy, but over time that should lessen and he should be able to open up.
There are risks whether a person uses online dating services or goes the traditional dating route. Deceptive people will use all kinds of tricks to get what they want. But the signs are always there when a person is playing a cruel game in a relationship, you just need to be alert to the possibility. The best defense is to be aware that you may hook up with one and learn to trust your gut.